THIS LIFE
sunday service: a poem, a prayer, an offering | "in this life i hold someone else’s baby in the night and tell him i’ll blow his nightmares away"
in another life
i craved meaningless sex
i read poems on rooftops
i flirted with strangers on the internet
a friend tattooed
a freeway bridge
a leaf
a mountain
on my arm
after, we shared
cigarettes and spicy noodles
and talked about god
in this life i hold someone else’s baby in the night and tell him i’ll blow his nightmares away in another life i ordered a week's worth of groceries from a target in nevada 5 days in advance for a solo trip in the desert i flew Spirit with one backpack i slept in my car and in a hammock i hiked every day drove early every morning i watched the sun rise and set
in this life i pause in the bathroom mirror to examine the dark circles under my eyes in another life i went to hongkong to process a visa i stayed in a hostel and drank milk tea on a beach and spoke in broken mandarin with new friends who showed me around the city they loved in this life i jump over the lava and get excited about buses and dramatically belt the chorus to Let It Go just to see someone else’s “not a baby anymore” “little bit big” 3-year-old —my foster son, smile i throw late night dance parties at 8PM, because he begs just one more before bed the nightmares have been bad this week we’ve barely slept more than 4hrs each night punctuated by the same things thrashes and screams and glasses of water and stories and lights on and lights off and moving to couch and big bed and back and inevitably my voice sharp cutting the night demanding something beyond either of our control in another life i didn’t understand how many things could all be true in this life everything is more
to those of you who have been here for awhile and have been very patient with my extended hiatus—thank you. to those of you who stumbled onto this page one way or another during that long exhale, welcome! i’m so excited to experiment and play with different ways to share/connect/build community on here in the new year.
xoxo
billie
also: my car was egged in -8 weather yesterday so if anyone has experience or advice on what to do about that i’m all ears
I held my breath the entire first read thru. This is so much of a takes your breath away kind of writing. Lines lines lines! So many lines!
after, we shared
cigarettes and spicy noodles
and talked about god
in this life i jump over the lava - (whaaaaat! yessssss!)
and get excited about buses -(omg!)
i hold someone else’s baby-
in the night and tell him- (what did I just read?!? I'm going to need a minute...)
i’ll blow his nightmares away-
punctuated...
glasses of water
and stories and lights on and lights off and
moving to couch and big bed and back and
inevitably my voice sharp
cutting the night
Billie, I'm so thankful you've shared this. xx
This whole thing is so beautifully detailed. I could see and feel and touch and taste. I too loved it all and these two really got to me:
inevitably my voice sharp
cutting the night
demanding something
beyond either of our control
and
in another life i didn’t understand
how many things could all be true
Thank you so much for sharing. This is my first time here and I am so glad to have found you. (Through your mom's substack @jeannineouellette) ❤